Tuesday, January 06, 2009

In a State of Perpetual Training

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. A new friend floated briefly through my world and I wanted to explain myself, make excuses for certain parts of my life. "I moved recently, completed a degree, stopped being a student, am trying to learn how to live where I live, had to pay for things that used to be free when I was a student: buses, gym memberships, had to find a way to walk more, etc. etc."
But I realized that I have been drawn to persons of action recently and persons of action don't listen to or respect excuses, they respect action. I am so driven in so many ways and yet, in one of the more important aspects of my life I seem uncertain, not ready, out-of-shape so to speak. I want less "edgy" as Fellner would say and more "banal" if banality means sleeping well, taking care of things, not letting things lapse or languish. In short, living the way Mission furniture is built--no nails, no cheating it into holding. Only the precise fit and perfect measuring will make those dovetailed corners hold. It's new to me as I love the ephemeral ideas, the world of lovely cloudbustings in the figurative as well as the literal sense. I have how many completed manuscripts--more than three. How many are out of my apartment right now? One and a half. How many projects-in-progress? Too many. I think the idea of training towards a goal, the way one does for a race facilitates this but I think having the next thing in mind and in place after that thing gets accomplished keeps a person in motion. I have been feeling very charged-up since December 31st and not for that cheesy-New-Years-resolutiony-routine, but I know for certain what I want and it is the kind of life that only actions will acquire for me. How personal to say here, but if it resonates and if you read me, you'll know what I mean. Every day has been different for me since I figured this out. I wrote it down, wrote it here for when I need to remind myself.

128 Days.

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