Thursday, January 15, 2009

This is My Carnival Ride for the Rest of My Life

Savoring these last few days before school kicks in and with it, the sense that I am chasing myself up the block but I'm always too fast for me.

Made a nice dinner and am about to draw a lovely bath. Life is not ungood right now. It's odd the people that maintain an interest in you and those who forget you utterly. I'm always amazed at what I move and what I made no impression upon whatsoever. Is it in inverse proportion to effort? Sometimes it seems that way. But I have a lot in my life right now. People. Possibilities. The new way of living which is holding strong as am I and that feels really certain. I keep thinking of that annoying arguement I had once with a man who was trying to scare me into dating him by saying that "soon the bus will take off without you" and how incensed I became that he couldn't see that I had held out this long for something extraordinary and had no regrets about almost anyone. One regrettable poet is as close to the regrets heap as I might get but since I burned all those, let's think of him as ash and be happy for that. The bus seems more full and full of good things than ever and my attitude is more solidly that thing people call happy and take for granted than it's ever been. Depression is like a couch you are forced to lug around through your days. It makes everything seem too hard and not worth it and worse,it's invisible so people don't understand how hard it is to just care enough to bother. But if the bus belongs to me, I keep it in working order and I post the marquees of destination and really, things have only been getting more plentiful and again, happy. And for my friends, you who endured 2004 with me, it seems nearly miraculous to say so. So much is going so right that with a little more effort and maybe some real luck on our new president's side and some patience on ours for it is nothing short of magic needed to get the country looking better, I will run on into this coming May happier and better than ever. I eschew the naysayers and those dumb, boring people that always talk about their age. One of the most gorgeous, vibrant and exciting people I met last year is nearly fifty and not only never discusses "getting older" or losing vision or any of that, but is pretty pleased as punch with himself to be his very self and I get, in every way, why.

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